10 Reasons Why Mothers Are OVER the Holiday Season:
1. We have to constantly listen to our children go and on about what they want, knowing we'll never get what WE want----->SLEEP!!!
2. There's always someone watching. Yeah, that stupid elf we were talked into buying. What a creeper!
3. We lie. WE LIE ALL THE TIME. "Be good for Santa, he's watching. So is the elf" No they're not. I WISH he was watching! If he was, I'd pay him double and catch a movie, hit up a sauna, or a bar. Shit, I'd just go sit by a pond and listen to the birds chirp. I don't even care if one craps on my head.
4. We live in our cars, or ubers, or trains, or cabs, or buses…just shuffling our little people around running them to their gingerbread making parties or gift exchanges, or… sorry, I lost my train of thought.
5. We realize we're OLD AS FUDGE. Oh, speaking of fudge…there's a lot of sweets….which usually means buying clothing in bigger sizes after the holiday…which means spending more money after we've SPENT OUR LIFE SAVINGS this holiday season.
6. We probably ingest 150,000 chemicals licking 1 million holiday cards. So much for non-GMO.
7. What number am I on again? Oh yeah, 7. I've been staring at Amazon all day, my head hurts.
8. There's NEVER enough eggnog…or wine…or liquor to get us through this month. Did the liquor companies not get the memo?!
9. If you're lucky enough to have a beautiful pine tree (that will eventually drop needles all over your house like WW2), then you should also grab some extra cleaner and pray your dog doesn't pee all over that tree! Shouldn't that thing be outside anyway? (The tree, not the dog!)
10. We're all insane. Because after all the insane b!tc#ing we'll do this holiday season, we'll do it again and again and again. You know why? Because we secretly love it, like lunatics. Every.Damn.Year.
To the holiday season!!